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More Steubenvilles: How To Raise Boys to be Kind Men
What
can we do to help young men respect women, recognize consent, and have healthy
sexual relationships? Teach them kindness to others—and the courage to go
against the crowd.
by Kim Simon
การเลี้ยงเด็กชายให้เป็นผู้ชายที่เมตตาอารี
เราจะทำอะไรได้ที่จะช่วยให้ชายเคารพหญิง,
รู้จักขอความร่วมมือ, และมีความสัมพันธ์ทางเพศที่ดี?
สอนพวกเขาให้มีความโอบอ้อมอารีต่อผู้อื่น—และมีความกล้าหาญที่จะเดินสวนกับฝูงชน
โดย
คิม ไซมอน
When Max was just a few months old,
I sat cross-legged on the floor with him in a circle of other mothers.
The facilitator for our “Mommy and Me” playgroup would throw a question out to
the group, and we would each volley back an answer.
ตอนที่แมกซ์อายุเพียงไม่กี่เดือน,
ฉันนั่งขัดสมาธิอยู่บนพื้นกับเขาในวงกลมของแม่ๆ.
กระบวนกรของกลุ่มเล่น “มัมมีกับฉัน” จะโยนคำถามใส่กลุ่ม, และพวกเราแต่ละคนก็จะตบลูกวอลเล่ย์กลับด้วยคำตอบ.
“What quality do you want to instill
in your child? What personality characteristic would you most like
for your son to be known for?” she asked.
“คุณต้องการปลูกฝังคุณสมบัติอะไรใส่ลูกของคุณ? บุคลิก ลักษณะอะไรที่คุณอยากให้ลูกชายของคุณเป็นที่รู้จักมากที่สุด?”
เธอถาม.
One by one, the mothers
answered. “Athletic”, “Good sense of humor”, “Brave”, “Smart”, “Strong”.
แม่ๆ
แต่ละคนผลัดกันตอบ. “นักกรีฑา”,
“มีอารมณ์ขัน”, “กล้าหาญ”, “แข็งแรง”ง
The answers blended together until
it was my turn to speak. I looked down at the tiny human wiggling around
on the blanket in front of me, his perfectly round nose, his full lips that
mirrored mine. I stroked the top of his very bald head, and said with
confidence: “kind”.
คำถามผสมผสานเข้าด้วยกันดีจนถึงคราวที่ฉันจะต้องพูด.
ฉันมองลงไปที่เจ้าตัวน้อยที่ขยับไปมาในผ้าห่มตรงหน้าของฉัน,
จมูกกลมเนี๊ยบของเขา, ริมฝีปากอิ่มเอิบที่เหมือนของฉันเปี๊ยบ. ฉันลูบหัวโล้นๆ ของเขา, และกล่าวด้วยความมั่นใจ: “อารี”.
I
want my son to grow up to be kind.
ฉันต้องการให้ลูกชายของฉันเติบโตเป็นคนเอื้ออารี
The eyes of the other mothers turned
toward me. “That’s not always a word that you hear used for boys” one
said. “But yes, you’re right … so I guess, me too”. At the end of
the day, we wanted our tiny, fragile, helpless baby boys to grow up to be kind.
Strong, resilient, athletic, funny … but above all else, kind.
ตาทุกคู่ของแม่ๆ
คนอื่นหันมาที่ฉัน.
“นั่นไม่ใช่คำที่คุณได้ยินที่ใช้กับเด็กชาย, คนหนึ่งกล่าว. “แต่ใช่, คุณถูกแล้ว...และฉันก็เดาว่า,
ฉันก็ต้องการเช่นนั้นด้วย”.
ตอนสุดท้ายของวัน, พวกเราต้องการให้เจ้าตัวเล็ก ทารกชายที่เปราะบาง,
ช่วยตัวเองไม่ได้ เติบโตขึ้น เป็นคนโอบอ้อมอารี.
แข็งแรง, ยืดหยุ่น, นักกรีฑา, ตลก ... เหนือกว่าทุกอย่าง, อารี.
Max is almost 4 years old. He
knows nothing about the horrific things that young men did to a young woman on
the saddest night that Steubenville, Ohio, has ever seen. He doesn’t know, but
I sure do. I know that someone’s daughter was violated in the most
violent way possible, by someone’s son. By many sons. The blame for
that night falls squarely on the shoulders of the young men who made terrible
choices, but it also falls in the laps of their parents.
แมกซ์อายุเกือบ
4 ปีแล้ว.
เขาไม่รู้อะไรเลยเกี่ยวกับสิ่งน่าสะพรึงกลัวที่เหล่าชายหนุ่มกระทำต่อหญิงสาวคนหนึ่งในคืนที่เศร้าที่สุดที่
สติวเบนวิลล์, โอไฮโอ, เคยเห็นมาก่อน.
เขาไม่รู้, แต่ฉันรู้แน่.
ฉันรู้ว่า ลูกสาวของใครคนหนึ่งได้ถูกล่วงละเมิดด้วยวิธีที่รุนแรงที่สุดที่จะเป็นไปได้,
โดยลูกชายของบางคน. โดยลูกชายหลายๆ
คน.
คำตำหนิกล่าวโทษสำหรับเหตุการณ์คืนนั้น ถาโถมลงสู่บ่าของชายหนุ่มเหล่านั้น
ผู้เลือกทำสิ่งที่สยองขวัญ, แต่ก็ตกลงบนตักของพ่อแม่ของพวกเขาด้วย.
Sexual assault is about power and
control. But it is also about so much more. While it’s true that
big scary monster men sometimes jump out of bushes to rape unsuspecting women,
most rapists look like the men we see every day. Acquaintance rape (or
date rape) accounts for the majority of sexual assaults among young people: in
colleges, in high schools, at parties, in the cars and bedrooms that belong to
the men who women trust. These men are your fraternity brothers, your
athletes, your church-going friends. They are somebody’s son.
การล่วงละเมิดทางเพศ
เป็นเรื่องของอำนาจและการควบคุม.
แต่มันเกี่ยวกับเรื่องอื่นๆ อีกมากมาย.
ในขณะที่มันเป็นความจริงที่ว่า สัตว์ประหลาดชายตัวใหญ่น่ากลัว
บางทีก็กระโดดออกมาจากพุ่มไม้แล้วข่มขืนผู้หญิงที่ไม่ได้ระวังตัว,
นักข่มขืนส่วนใหญ่หน้าตาเหมือนผู้ชายที่เราเห็นอยู่ทุกวัน. การข่มขืนโดยคนรู้จัก (หรือ ข่มขืนเดท)
เป็นการล่วงละเมิดทางเพศส่วนใหญ่ในหมู่คนหนุ่มสาว: ในวิทยาลัย,
โรงเรียนมัธยม, ในงานปาร์ตี้, ในรถและในห้องนอนของชายที่หญิงเชื่อถือ. ชายเหล่านี้เป็นพี่น้องชายของคุณ,
นักกรีฑาของคุณ, เพื่อนที่ไปโบสถ์. พวกเขาเป็นลูกชายของบางคน.
Teach your child to go toward
a child who is upset, instead of walking away.
สอนลูกของคุณให้เดินเข้าหาเด็กอีกคนที่กำลังร้องไห้,
แทนที่จะเดินหนีไป.
Date rape is often saturated with
entitlement. It feeds off of the hero worship that grows rampant like
weeds on school campuses and in locker rooms. Young men are taught to be
strong, to be athletes, to be feared. Young women are taught to be meek,
to be feminine, to be small. As our young people begin to sort out
relationships with each other and relationships with alcohol, they encounter
an endless menu of ways to hurt each other.
การข่มขืนเดทมักจะเต็มไปด้วยสิทธิต่างๆ.
มันถูกหล่อเลี้ยงด้วยพฤติกรรมบูชาวีรบุรุษที่แผ่ขยายเหมือนวัชพืชในบริเวณโรงเรียนและในห้องล็อคเกอร์. ชายหนุ่มถูกเลี้ยงให้ต้องเข้มแข็ง, ต้องเป็นนักกรีฑา,
ต้องเป็นที่เกรงกลัว.
หญิงสาวถูกสอนให้ต้องขี้อาย, ต้องเป็นกุลสตรี, ต้องตัวเล็กๆ.
ในขณะที่คนหนุ่มสาวของเราสับไพ่หาความสัมพันธ์ระหว่างกัน และ
ความสัมพันธ์กับเหล้า,
พวกเขาต้องเจอกับรายการของวิธีการทำลายกันและกันไม่มีที่สิ้นสุด.
As a community we give our athletes
free reign. Young men are filled with the heavy power of triumph, their
heroism illuminated by the bright lights of a brisk Friday night football
game. Young cheerleaders spend hours painting signs for them, adorning
hallways with flourescent notes of encouragement. Young men are known by
their football number, their last touchdown pass, their ability to get any girl
they choose. Young women fill the stands with hopeful smiles, dying to be
noticed.
ในฐานะเป็นชุมชนด้วยกัน,
เราให้นักกรีฑาของเรามีอิสระเต็มที่.
ชายหนุ่มถูกอัดให้เต็มไปด้วยพลังหนักหน่วงของชัยชนะ,
วีรกรรมของพวกเขาเรืองรองรุ่งโรจน์ด้วยแสงจ้าของเกมฟุตบอลในค่ำวันศุกร์. เชียร์รีดเดอร์หนุ่มสาวใช้เวลาหลายชั่วโมงทาสีป้ายเชิดชูพวกเขา.
ตกแต่งทางเดินด้วยข้อความส่งกำลังใจที่เรืองแสง.
ชายหนุ่มเป็นที่รู้จักด้วยเบอร์ฟุตบอลของพวกเขา,
การทัชดาวน์ครั้งสุดท้ายของพวกเขา,
ความสามารถของพวกเขาในการเอาหญิงสาวคนไหนก็ได้ที่พวกเขาเลือก.
หญิงสาวเบียดเสียดเต็มที่ยืนพร้อมด้วยรอยยิ้มที่เต็มไปด้วยความหวัง,
ยอมตายเพียงเพื่อให้ถูกมองเห็น.
We have created this. We have
allowed this. We choose not to demand more from our young men, because we
see how big they grow in the spotlight. We give them adult power, without
instilling in them an adult sense of responsibility and ethics.
พวกเราสร้างสิ่งนี้ขึ้น. พวกเรายอมให้มันเป็นเช่นนี้.
พวกเราเลือกที่จะไม่เรียกร้องมากกว่านี้จากชายหนุ่มของเรา, เพราะเราเห็นว่า
พวกเขาใหญ่โตมากเมื่ออยู่ท่ามกลางแสงสปอร์ตไลท์.
พวกเรามอบพลังของผู้ใหญ่ให้พวกเขา, โดยปราศจากการปลูกฝังความรู้สึกรับผิดชอบและจริยธรรม.
It is time. Now is the time to
make this stop. If you are the mother of a son, you can prevent the
next Steubenville. It doesn’t matter if your boy is 4 or 14 or 24. Start
now.
ถึงเวลาแล้ว. ตอนนี้เป็นเวลาที่จะต้องหยุดเรื่องนี้. หากคุณเป็นแม่ของลูกชายคนหนึ่ง,
คุณสามารถป้องกันไม่ให้เกิดเหตุ สติวเบนวิลล์ถัดไป. มันไม่สำคัญที่ว่าลูกชายของคุณอายุ 4 หรือ 14 หรือ 24 ปี. เริ่มเดี๋ยวนี้.
We
must teach our boys to be kind.
เราต้องสอนลูกชายของเราให้เป็นคนโอบอ้อมอารี
A toddler can learn how to use words
of kindness. It’s never too early to teach empathy, compassion, and
awareness. “Friend, are you OK?” “I’m sorry friend, did you get a
boo-boo?” Encourage tiny boys to be aware of how others are
feeling. Name what they see. “Mommy is sad right now, honey.
Our friend G is sick, and I want her to feel better”.
ทารกสามารถเรียนรู้วิธีใช้คำว่า
เมตตา เอื้ออารี.
ไม่มีคำว่าเร็วเกินไปที่จะสอน ความเห็นอกเห็นใจ, ความกรุณา, และ
ความตระหนักรู้. “เพื่อน,
ยังโอเคอยู่หรือเปล่า?” “เพื่อน
ฉันเสียใจด้วยนะ, เธอถูกแกล้งใช่ไหม?”
ส่งเสริมให้ลูกชายน้อยๆ ใส่ใจกับความรู้สึกของคนอื่น. ขานชื่อสิ่งที่พวกเขาเห็น. “มัมมีกำลังเศร้าโศกตอนนี้จ๊ะ, ลูกรัก. เพื่อนของเรา จี กำลังป่วย,
และแม่ต้องการให้เธอรู้สึกดีขึ้น”.
Give children tasks that they can do
to help someone in need. Bake cookies to take to the local
firehouse. Bring dinner to a mother on bedrest. Choose a toy to
share with the new child that just joined your preschool class. Teach
your child to go toward a child who is upset, instead of walking away.
ให้งานที่เด็กๆ
พวกเขาทำได้ เพื่อช่วยเหลือบางคนที่ต้องการความช่วยเหลือ. ทำคุกกี้ แล้วนำไปให้คนที่สถานีดับเพลิง. นำอาหารเย็นไปให้แม่ที่ต้องนอนพักผ่อน.
เลือกของเล่นเพื่อให้แบ่งปันกับเด็กคนใหม่ที่เพิ่งเข้ามาใหม่ในชั้นอนุบาลของคุณ. สอนให้ลูกของคุณเดินเข้าหาเด็กที่กำลังร้องไห้,
แทนที่จะเดินหนี.
When I picked Max up from school the
other day, his teacher remarked on how “kind” he was. He checks in on
other students. He runs to them when they get hurt. At first I was
embarrassed … oh how my husband will tease me for instilling my “Social Worker”
traits in our son. He must be brave and tough instead. But I am so
proud that he is kind. That he is a helper. That he sees the
emotions of those around him. Would he have hurt for the girl in
Steubenville? Would he have felt her fear, and said something?
Teach your sons to tune in, name emotions for them, give them words to match
their feelings.
เมื่อฉันไปรับแมกซ์กลับบ้านที่โรงเรียนในวันก่อน,
ครูของเขาบอกว่า เขาเป็นเด็ก “เอื้ออารี” มาก.
เขาจะเดินไปตรวจตรานักเรียนคนอื่นๆ.
เขาจะวิ่งไปหาพวกเขาเมื่อพวกเขาเจ็บตัว.
ตอนแรกฉันรู้สึกอาย...โอ สามีของฉันคงสัพยอกฉันที่ปลูกฝังนิสัย
“นักสังคมสงเคราะห์” ของฉันใส่ลูกชายของเรา.
แทนที่จะเป็นเช่นนี้ เขาจะต้องกล้าหาญและเข้มแข็ง. แต่ฉันก็ภาคภูมิใจยิ่งที่เขาเป็นคนโอบอ้อมอารี. ที่เขาเป็นผู้ช่วยเหลือ. ที่เขาเห็นอารมณ์ความรู้สึกของคนอื่นๆ
ที่อยู่รอบตัวเขา.
เขาจะเป็นคนที่ทำร้ายหญิงสาวใน สติวเบนวิลล์ ไหมหนอ? เขาจะสัมผัสถึงความหวาดกลัวของเธอไหม,
และพูดอะไรบางอย่าง?
จงสอนลูกชายของคุณให้ฟัง สัมผัส รับรู้, ขานชื่ออารมณ์ความรู้สึกนั้นๆ,
สอนให้เขารู้จักใช้คำพูดที่ตรงกับความรู้สึกของพวกเขา.
We
must teach our boys what it truly means to be brave.
เราต้องสอนให้ลูกชายของเรารู้ว่า
ความกล้าหาญ จริงๆ แล้ว หมายถึงอะไร
Bravery doesn’t always feel
good. I’ve heard it said that “Courage is being afraid, and
doing it anyway”. How many of those young men in Steubenville knew in their
sweet boy hearts that what was happening was wrong, but still they remained
silent? They were afraid to ruin their own hard-earned reputations,
afraid of what their peers would think of them. They were afraid of
getting in trouble, afraid they wouldn’t know what to say. Teach your
boys that bravery can be terrifying. Courage can be demanded of you at
the most inopportune times. Let them know that your expectation is that
they are brave enough to rise to the occasion. And show them how.
ความกล้าหาญไม่จำเป็นต้องให้ความรู้สึกดีๆ
เสมอ. ฉันเคยได้ยินมาว่า “ความกล้าหาญคือ
ความกลัว, และก็ฝืนใจทำมัน”.
ชายหนุ่มสักกี่คนใน สติวเบนวิลล์ รู้ดีในหัวใจเด็กชายที่อ่อนหวานของพวกเขาว่า
สิ่งที่กำลังเกิดขึ้น เป็นสิ่งที่ผิด, แต่พวกเขาก็ยังปิดปากเงียบ? พวกเขากลัวว่าจะทำลายชื่อเสียงที่เขาฝ่าฟันได้มาด้วยความยากลำบาก,
กลัวว่าเพื่อนๆ จะคิดถึงเขาอย่างไร.
พวกเขากลัวว่าจะตกที่นั่งลำบาก, กลัวว่า
พวกเขาจะไม่รู้ว่าจะพูดอะไรได้. จงสอนลูกชายของคุณว่า
ความกล้าหาญ อาจเป็นเรื่องน่ากลัวยิ่ง.
ความกล้าหาญสามารถจะบงการคุณในเวลาที่ไม่เหมาะสมที่สุดได้. ให้พวกเขารู้ว่า
คุณคาดหวังให้พวกเขากล้าหาญมากพอที่จะลุกขึ้นยืนสู้ในเวลานั้น. และแสดงให้พวกเขาเห็นว่า ทำอย่างไร.
We
must not shy away from telling our sons the truth about sex.
เราจะต้องไม่ขวยอาย
หลีกเลี่ยงบอกเล่าความจริงเรื่องเพศสัมพันธ์ต่อลูกชายของเรา
Of course this looks different in a
conversation with a 4 year old than it does with a 12-year-old. In our
house, we are still working on giving body parts their appropriate names.
Making family rules about how we always wear clothes when people come to visit
(ok, my husband and I are good on that one, but Max keeps answering the door in
his underwear).
แน่นอน
เรื่องนี้จะแตกต่างกันในระหว่างการสนทนากับเด็กอายุ 4 ขวบ กับ 12 ขวบ.
ในบ้านของเรา, เรายังคงหาทางตั้งชื่อที่เหมาะสมสำหรับส่วนต่างๆ ของร่างกาย. เป็นกฎของครอบครัวว่า
เราจะต้องสวมใส่เสื้อผ้าอย่างไร เมื่อมีคนมาเยี่ยมเรา (โอเค, สามีและฉันทำได้ดีในเรื่องนี้,
แต่แมกซ์มักจะนุ่งแต่กางเกงในเวลาเปิดประตูรับคน).
As uncomfortable as it is, the
conversation needs to evolve as your boy gets older. Sex feels
good. Sex is overwhelming. Sex is confusing. Sex tricks you
into thinking that you are receiving what you need (physical satisfaction,
comfort, companionship, love, respect). Sex education is more than just
giving your child condoms and reminding them about STDs. As parents, we
need to worry about our sons being respectful of their sexual partners, not
just about them getting someone pregnant. Our boys need to know that they
will find themselves at a crossroads one night, or on multiple nights.
Their body will be telling them one thing, and their partner may be telling
them another. It is a young man’s responsibility to listen to his
partner. Explain to your son what consent looks like (and doesn’t look like).
They need to know what sex looks like. Not the Playboy magazine/online
porn version, but the logistics of how it actually works. Teach them to
ask their partners. Teach them to check in as they take the next step
with someone. Teach them to stop if they don’t think they’re getting a
clear answer.
ไม่ว่าจะรู้สึกลำบากใจมากแค่ไหน,
การสนทนาจำเป็นต้องค่อยวิวัฒนาขึ้นเมื่อลูกชายของคุณอายุมากขึ้น. เพศสัมพันธ์ทำให้รู้สึกดี. เพศเป็นเรื่องล้นหลาม. เพศเป็นเรื่องสับสน.
เพศหลอกล่อให้คุณมุ่นคิดถึงสิ่งที่คุณกำลังได้รับสิ่งที่คุณต้องการ
(สมปรารถนาทางกาย, สุขสบาย, เพื่อนใจ, ความรัก, ความเคารพ).
เพศศึกษาเป็นมากกว่าเพียงหยิบยื่นถุงยางอนามัยให้ และ
เตือนเรื่องโรคติดต่อทางเพศสัมพันธ์.
ในฐานะพ่อแม่, เราจำเป็นต้องกังวลเรื่องที่ว่า ลูกชายของเรา จะเคารพต่อคู่ขาของเขา,
ไม่เพียงแต่ไปทำให้ใครท้องขึ้นมา.
ลูกชายของเราจำเป็นต้องรู้ว่า คืนใดคืนหนึ่ง หรือหลายๆ คืน เขาจะพบว่า
ตัวเองยืนอยู่ที่สี่แยก.
ร่างกายของเขาจะบอกให้เขาทำอย่างหนึ่ง, แต่คู่ขาจะบอกให้เขาทำอย่างอื่น.
มันเป็นความรับผิดชอบของชายหนุ่มที่จะฟังคู่ขาของเขา. อธิบายให้ลูกชายของคุณเข้าใจว่า
ความสมัครใจหน้าตาเป็นอย่างไร (และหน้าตาอย่างไรที่ไม่ใช่). พวกเขาต้องรู้ว่า เพศสัมพันธ์เป็นอย่างไร. ไม่ใช่มาจากแมกกาซี/ออนไลน์ เพล์บอยด์
ฉบับลามก, แต่ตรรกะที่มันทำงาน.
สอนให้พวกเขารู้จักถามคู่ขาของเขา.
สอนให้เขารูจักตรวจเช็ค เมื่อเขาต้องการจะก้าวต่อไปอีกขั้น. สอนให้พวกเขารู้จักหยุด หากพวกเขาไม่คิดว่า
ได้รับคำตอบที่ชัดเจนพอ.
We
must give our sons the tools they need to protect themselves, and each other.
เราจะต้องให้เครื่องมือที่พวกเขาจะป้องกันตัวเอง
และกันและกันได้ แก่ลูกชายของเรา
Can your teenager call you in the
middle of the night, no questions asked? Can they tell you the truth,
without you flipping out and getting angry? Do they trust that you are on
their team, that you will sit down and talk things through with them, making a
calm plan together? Role-play with your son about how to find help, who
to go to for help, what numbers to call. An embarrassed, terrified
bystander in Steubenville could have quietly snuck outside to call the police
for help, or to text an anonymous tip, or call a parent or older sibling for
advice.
ลูกชายวัยรุ่นของคุณจะโทรศัพท์ถึงคุณกลางดึกได้ไหม,
และจะไม่ตั้งคำถามอะไรเลย?
พวกเขาจะบอกความจริงกับคุณได้ไหม, โดยที่คุณจะไม่โผงผางและโกรธ? พวกเขาเชื่อได้ไหมว่าคุณอยู่ข้างเดียวกับเขา,
ที่คุณจะนั่งลง และพูดคุยจนทะลุปลุโปร่งกับพวกเขา, วางแผนอย่างสงบร่วมกัน?
ลองเล่นบทกับลูกชายของคุณให้รู้จักการขอความช่วยเหลือ, จะต้องไปหาใคร,
กดเบอร์โทรอะไร?
คนที่มุงดูที่รู้สึกอับอาย, ตกใจกลัว ในสติวเบนวิลล์
น่าจะลอดออกไปข้างนอกเงียบๆ และโทรเรียกตำรวจให้มาช่วย, หรือเท็กซ์ข้อความนิรนาม,
หรือ โทรหาพ่อแม่ หรือ พี่ๆ เพื่อขอคำแนะนำ.
Instead, at least a dozen sons were
paralyzed by fear. And intoxicated. And probably overwhelmed by the
sexual feelings of their own that they were experiencing … feelings that they
were never given the context for.
Give your son the tools they need to
understand that sexuality is a powerful thing, one that they are solely
responsible for. Give them a framework for understanding that sex carries
an enormous responsibility—not just to themselves, but to their partners.
Does your son know what rape is? Does he know what it means? Does
he know that it’s not just creepy smelly guys who hide in alleys who are
responsible for rape? That it’s his peers? Discuss the ways that a
woman can give consent. Pull the curtains back on the grey areas, and
demand that your son learns how to protect himself and his partner.
แทนที่จะเป็นเช่นนั้น,
ลูกชายเป็นโหลกลับตัวแข็งด้วยความกลัว.
และมึนเมา.
และคงท่วมท้นด้วยความรู้สึกทางเพศของตัวเอง
ด้วยประสบการณ์ที่กำลังเกิดขึ้น...ความรู้สึกที่พวกเขาไม่เคยได้เตรียมตัวมาก่อน.
จงให้เครื่องมือแก่ลูกของคุณที่ทำให้เขาเข้าใจว่า เพศสัมพันธ์
เป็นเรื่องทรงพลัง, เป็นสิ่งหนึ่งที่พวกเขาเป็นผู้รับผิดชอบเพียงคนเดียว. จงให้กรอบคิดเพื่อให้เข้าใจว่า
การมีเพศสัมพันธ์ตามมาด้วยความรับผิดชอบมหาศาล—ไม่เพียงต่อตัวเอง,
แต่ต่อคู่ขาด้วย. ลูกชายของคุณรู้ไหมว่า
การข่มขืนเป็นอย่างไร?
เขารู้ไหมว่ามันหมายถึงอะไร?
เขารู้ไหมว่า มันไม่ใช่แค่คนตัวเหม็นที่ทำตัวลับๆ ล่อๆ
ที่ซ่อนตัวอยู่ในซอกซอย ที่เป็นผู้รับผิดชอบการข่มขืน? ว่าเป็นเพื่อนของเขา? ถกถึงวิธีการต่างๆ
ที่จะทำให้ผู้หญิงยอมด้วยความสมัครใจ.
เปิดม่านในพื้นที่สีเทา,
และให้ลูกชายของคุณเรียนรู้การป้องกันตัวเขาเองและของคู่ขา.
When I found out that I was having a
son, I was relieved at first. I thought I had dodged a bullet by not
having a daughter whom I would have to protect from the big, scary,
violent world that is still so unkind to women. This will be so much
easier, I thought. But it’s not.
เมื่อฉันรู้ว่า
ฉันกำลังจะมีลูกชาย, ตอนแรกฉันรู้สึกโล่งอก.
ฉันคิดว่า ฉันได้รอดพ้นลูกกระสุนด้วยการไม่มีลูกสาว ซึ่งฉันจะต้องปกป้องให้พ้นจากมือของโลกใหญ่ที่น่ากลัว
และ รุนแรง ที่ยังไม่เมตตาต่อสตรีเพศ.
ฉันคิดว่า อันนี้ น่าจะง่ายกว่ามาก.
แต่มันไม่เป็นเช่นนั้น
It’s harder.
มันยากกว่า
I am now pregnant with my second
son. As a feminist and a mother, a survivor and an activist, a human and
a writer, I have discovered that my job in preventing sexual assault is even
bigger than it would be if I had a daughter. Because every rapist is
someone’s son. We have the chance to fix that, one little boy at a time.
ตอนนี้
ฉันกำลังตั้งครรภ์ลูกชายคนที่สอง.
ในฐานะนักสตรีนิยมและแม่, เป็นนักต่อสู้เพื่ออยู่รอด และเป็นนักรณรงค์,
เป็นมนุษย์ และ นักเขียน, ฉันได้ค้นพบว่า
งานของฉันในการป้องกันไม่ให้เกิดการล่วงละเมิดทางเพศ เป็นเรื่องที่ยิ่งใหญ่ยิ่งกว่า
หากฉันมีลูกสาว. เพราะนักข่มขืนทุกคนเป็นลูกชายของใครคนหนึ่ง. เรามีโอกาสที่จะซ่อมมัน, เด็กชายน้อยๆ ทีละคน
ทีละครั้ง.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License
Kim Simon is a mother and social
worker. She blogs at Mama By the Bay and
tweets at @mamabythebay
Published on Tuesday, March 19, 2013
by YES!
Magazine
WTF? • 9 hours ago
Ain't gonna happen in the USA,
never, no way, no how.
Americans have a number of strikes
against them in achieving the lofty goals advocated by the author:
1) A society that is historically steeped in violence
2) A society that worships 'heros' of violence
3) A society that cultivates individualism and exceptionalism
4) A society that nurtures and rewards narcissism and greed
5) A society that is polarized over women's and immigrant rights, education, gun control, environmental protection and other wedge issues
6) A society that endures a divorce rate that exceeds 50%
7) A society with 4/5th of the population lack critical thinking skills, and follow a religion that historically has been unkind towards women
8) A country that spends more than half of it's GNP on military and civilian weapons
9) A population that is apathetic and easily distracted
10) Insert here what I have forgotten
1) A society that is historically steeped in violence
2) A society that worships 'heros' of violence
3) A society that cultivates individualism and exceptionalism
4) A society that nurtures and rewards narcissism and greed
5) A society that is polarized over women's and immigrant rights, education, gun control, environmental protection and other wedge issues
6) A society that endures a divorce rate that exceeds 50%
7) A society with 4/5th of the population lack critical thinking skills, and follow a religion that historically has been unkind towards women
8) A country that spends more than half of it's GNP on military and civilian weapons
9) A population that is apathetic and easily distracted
10) Insert here what I have forgotten
I just don't see how you are going
to get past all this baggage.
It
does happen in small ways WTF. I raised my son to be kind. I happened to be
passing by the living room window when he was playing outside with a bunch of
boys. He was 5. One of the bigger boys (around 9) got hit by another big boy
and my son saw him fall. He ran over (after the boy got up) and took the boys
hand--looking up at him with kind eyes as if to say I'm sorry that happened to
you. I felt tears come to my eyes at how sweet my little boy was....Then,
before I even knew what happened....that bigger boy hauled off and smacked my
little son in the face, knocking him down. The shock on his little face ripped
my heart out! I couldn't protect him from the responses toward him....from many
boys in his life. When he was a teenager, he came to me with an anguished face
and with great difficulty said he didn't know if he was really a man! I told
him, he was more a man than any man I had ever known.
He's
40 now. He's an artist...and no, he's not gay. He has a live in
womanfriend--also an artist. He grew up with all the values I instilled....but,
he moved far away from high school friends who ridiculed him (even tho he was a
top notch baseball and soccer player). He moved away from college friends who
he didn't relate to because they were interested in making money.
It's
lonely out there....for men who are kind. But that's how change starts--one
being at a time.
Great
story, and yes, I believe this happens in a minority of cases all across the
country.
But
look at what you wrote: "...he's not gay". Why was that qualification
necessary? Because our society immediately labels kind men as being different,
as lacking masculinity, as being the "other". And anyone who
sympathizes with the "other" must be one as well and thus ostracized.
Americans
are too xenophobic to change.
I
disagree that American's can't change -- We need to change our culture and act
forcefully to do so -- We need to take a
long look at what young males are being taught -- especially in regard to
encouraging attacks on females. And anything
which encourages male violence -- including our own MIC and it's own serious problem with rape of female soldiers -- including gang rapes and use of date rape drugs. Our military academies, as well.
With the rise of the RW -- a well financed movement by the wealthy -- we have seen the rise of sexual enslavement of women and children around the globe -- with pathways running thru the US, as well.
which encourages male violence -- including our own MIC and it's own serious problem with rape of female soldiers -- including gang rapes and use of date rape drugs. Our military academies, as well.
With the rise of the RW -- a well financed movement by the wealthy -- we have seen the rise of sexual enslavement of women and children around the globe -- with pathways running thru the US, as well.
Thank
you. The posters who use the idea of "society" without tying it to
its patriarchal roots and conditioning are arguing FOR the status quo. By
suggesting that today's twisted, SICK values are the product of equal input
from both genders, they hide the fact that these aberrations have come about
precisely because there is NOT equal power or representation. The suggestion
that today's society is a product of what ALL persons contribute is just
another way of saying that it's human nature that is to blame. And if that were
the case, there would be no alternative. However, it is NOT the case!
The
truth is, rules, mores, laws, and behaviors have been conditioned into the
masses from the top-down; and they have given white males of means undue
authority over everyone else. Many in this forum can see how capitalism shapes
outcomes favorable to those with lots of capital; but some of those same
thinkers go blind when the subject turns to the gender imbalance and what it
means within a so-called Democratic society.
Until
it's widely understood how constructs amenable with violence became so densely
woven into our nation's design (along with those of many other patriarchal
nations), no change is possible. These constructs are directly tied to maleness
in a way that makes war and violence inevitable.
Those
who argue that these effects are somehow indicative of "human
nature"foreclose on change before alternatives to the current defining
Vision can be honestly discussed. Women ARE getting fed up all over the world.
And they are learning to work together...
Naturally,
I agree -- :)
Our
main problem is patriarchal violence -- and the reason that I disagree that
Americans can't turn this around is because we live by myths pushed by the RW.
Best
wishes --
And
I include the following ONLY for anyone not familiar with my regularly made
comments ...
The
reality is that more than 80% of Americans are against the wars and were even
before these illegal wars of aggression. 94% of Americans want a socially
responsible society like Sweden's. 76% of Americans want universal health care
- Medare4all.
76% and more of Catholics want reproductive freedom included in universal health care, including pre-natal care, birth control and abortion,. Just as many Catholic women have abortions as any other women. A large majority of Americans want an end to the gun culture.
76% and more of Catholics want reproductive freedom included in universal health care, including pre-natal care, birth control and abortion,. Just as many Catholic women have abortions as any other women. A large majority of Americans want an end to the gun culture.
Internationally,
of course, the anti-war sentiments are even larger -- over 90%, if I recall
correctly?
Too much of expressed opinion is based too often on RW myth.
Too much of expressed opinion is based too often on RW myth.
This
has been a very heavily financed RW movement over the last 50 years, taking
over both of our political parties and based in political violence and stolen elections
which they continue to try to expand.
In
1963, all of our options for peace and to respond to Global Warming/pollution
were taken from us.
And certainly the concept of a violent America was put in play.
And certainly the concept of a violent America was put in play.
All
of it financed by the wealthy . . .
the
Christian Coalition as a backlash to the Youth Revolution and its challenge to
all authority, from medicine and childbirth to food --
In fact, GOP gave start up funding for the Christian Coalition.
In fact, GOP gave start up funding for the Christian Coalition.
the anti-abortion movement which hired protesters from Methadone clinics and encouraged the religiously fanatical to murder doctors and bomb clinics. Much of this movement is funded by the White Christian militias, but the Supreme Court failed to envoke RICO laws against them in lawsuits brought by women's groups.
the Drug culture/war put in play by the CIA and then moving thru our colleges/universities -- and the paranoia it was used to create in "fear of others."
the radicalization of the NRA which was used to attack not only liberals/progressives in the Democratic Party, but in the Repug Party, as well, thereby moving the Congress to the extreme right.
the Tea Baggers also funded by the RW, Koch Bros. and run out of a PR firm which guarantees them publicity -- and armed they are yet another way to create a more violent political arena.
Of course the backlash to human rights and the renewal of the war on women --The fight against the ERA was funded by the Catholic Church and the Mormon Church with tax-exempt dollars.
The new fascist face of our Supreme Court which opened with Clarence Thomas being moved onto the court with the aid of then Sen. Joe Biden -- and which made 2000 possible -- and undermining of Affirmative Action and Roe vs Wade.
And though the majority of our citizens (females) still do not have equal rights under our Constitution, corporate "personhood" has been confirmed by the Supreme Court.
.
That
qualification was necessary because I knew people reading the description of a
kind boy would immediately think: Oh right...he's probably gay....and by
inference--regular guys are not like that--only gay guys are.
As
a generally kind, heterosexual man, who has always been a diplomatic sort, I
can confirm that I dealt with that label many times when I was younger, purely
because I was well-mannered, kind, and artistic. That perception and assumption
does indeed still exist to this day. Sexual orientation should not be anyone
else's business, but people will indeed make it their business to torment
others over their own flawed perceptions.
Thank
you --
This
is the thing -- most males KNOW the danger of violent males among them. But too
few are speaking out against this male violence or standing up against it.
Just speaking out would be helpful -- And far too many males just side with the male power
structure in hopes of surviving -- There are only a few who profit from violence -- our
perpetual and contrived wars, violence vs females which "divides the enemy" for the benefit of the few and prevents males and females from working together for a better, peaceful society -- and to prevent destruction of nature by the few which is suicidal for all of us.
Just speaking out would be helpful -- And far too many males just side with the male power
structure in hopes of surviving -- There are only a few who profit from violence -- our
perpetual and contrived wars, violence vs females which "divides the enemy" for the benefit of the few and prevents males and females from working together for a better, peaceful society -- and to prevent destruction of nature by the few which is suicidal for all of us.
Great
post. It IS true that males are also damaged by the Mars-rules, macho, huMAN
baboon hierarchy that makes force, aggression, and weapons "manly,"
while making fun of caring, sharing, and showing compassion... or any feeling
other than rage or anger!
"Macho,
human baboon hierarchy....love it Siouxrose!
From
what you're saying, you raised your son at a time when parents were actually
good at parenting, a rarity among today's generation of young parents. Most of
today's parents have to work longer and aren't able to give the kind of care
that their kids need to prevent more "Steubenvilles". You also left
out the fact that artists don't get the kind of opportunities that yesterday's
artists would have gotten. Otherwise, good for you and would be nice if more
mothers had the kind of luck and opportunities as you and the other.
I
second WTF's appreciation of your story, Paularae. Right on for how you raised
your son. Thankfully your seed of compassion, kindness and open-mindedness
flourished in him; based on your description of him, he sounds like an
extraordinary and talented young man.
Sadly,
as WTF suggests, this isn't representative of the majority of men in this
country. I remember working at a florist's shop in my small town (very redneck
rancher's community) where the owner hired me right after she had her son. She
brought him to work with her which was great. He was exposed to lots of people
and flowers starting after birth. But as he began to get older and crawl
wanting explore the items for sale in the shop, I witnessed her go over and
pull out stuffed animals that were in any shade of pink, lemon or a pale color
more often associated with little girls. She'd explain that "Daddy"
would not like it if he saw his "son" playing with a pink stuffed
animal. I couldn't believe it. And I remember posing to her, "big deal?,
he's a little child for God's sake, who cares if he's drawn to a pink, purple,
green or red stuffed animal." But she quickly corrected me by
re-explaining that no son of hers was going to grow up a "sissy."
Can
you believe it? And this is where it starts. Sadly, WTF is more right than most
of us would like him to be. Lucky son of yours, Paularae, for having such a
great role model and Mom to guide him.
I
find it strange how you always argue FOR men and have spoken against Feminism.
You showed your outrage in the thread following the Steubenville rape, but of
course never tied it to the worldwide struggle for women's rights, dignity and
equality.
And
you've gone on record in this forum using a right wing meme: That Feminists
turn women into victims. What's actually the case is that Feminists tend to be
the only ones who stand up for women who are victimized! And there is a huge
difference. And there's another difference, too. In this forum, there are only
a handful of people who really get it about women's rights; but that is not the
case in another forum where I see so much more respect and sensitivity shown
for this subject.
Also,
as is done on the subject of privatizing Public Schools, someone will jump in
to talk about THEIR personal experience with a charter, or like a good Koch
Brothers' boiler room clone, they'll mention a particular charter school with a
good record.
Libertarians
love that way of "arguing." In lieu of the big picture and what it
reflects on a vast collective level, they'll personalize the issue with one
sympathetic story AS IF that singular tale invalidates what's real, true, and
painful for the vast majority.
Paula
may be a good mother, but regardless of the mother, every son goes out into a
world where many men act like baboons. Macho displays of violence are
encouraged. Rape is happening everyday in many countries. Eve Ensler posited
that one in 3 women would know some form of violence at the hands of a male
(within her lifetime). That's ONE BILLION women... so it's real Pillsbury-like
to bake a cake and talk over the kitchen table with this Mom or that Mom, but
that is HARDLY the full breadth of this issue... cozy though it may sound.
I
don't always argue "FOR" men but I don't have the same problem with
men that you appear to. In fact, I happen to like men, not all, but most. I
accept them for who they are after YEARS of complaining about their seeming
inability to be more like women in how they express themselves emotionally.
Now?
Now I've come to believe that it boils down to we're wired differently. There's
an evolutionary reason men are men and women are women. I know that's not your
philosophy and I accept that. But I no longer expect, nor do I try, to get men
to see life through feminine eyes. If they can't already, or lack the capacity
for basic "human" traits like compassion, empathy, tenderness and
love, then it's a big waste of all our time to try and change the person.
There
are many wonderfully compassionate, kind, sensitive, funny men out there as
well as horribly unkind, cruel and sexually exploitive misogynists. There are
even varying combinations of both sides of the coin. But, don't forget, women
also possess the potential to be cruel, unkind, brutal, violent and exploitive
towards other women.
I
know you hate this kind of argument and will put me down or call me right wing
for pointing it out, but my experience with women and girls is they can be even
more diabolical, cruel, caddy, ruthless and harmful to our gender than men.
They hurt each other with words and manipulative actions. Is that the same
thing as rape? Absolutely not. But women hurt other women. Right now many
elementary schools are having serious, even life threatening problems with
young GIRLS bullying other girls in grade school. Does that make all girls bad?
No. But so much for those mean, nasty, bad, bad boys who are so often blamed
for everything.
I'm
not making excuses for any man that abuses a woman, hurts her, sexually
violates her, or batters her. I don't approve of any of these violations. But
that's not all men even if the statistics say 1 out of 3 women will experience
violence by men.
We
disagree on this big time and have for a long time. I respect your view and
hear you loud and clear on your feminist views. I just don't share those same
views. That doesn't make me a bad woman who hates my own gender. It just makes
me different than you on this issue; and that more than anything about
"feminism" seems to consistently baffle you. Not all feminists think
alike as women.
You
are so very correct, Elizabeth. Hate and violence are not male traits, they are
HUMAN traits. Sure, men, in general, are more prone to violence and that's
largely due to testosterone and other factors. But those who claim that its
uniquely male are either sadly misinformed or being intellectually dishonest.
Girls can indeed be very, very cruel to one another. We need to teach our
children, boys AND girls alike, the virtues of empathy and respect for the
rights of others.
Thank
you Elizabeth.
Yes,
it is sadly many mothers who "train" their little boys to be
"macho." I am not positive about this, because I have not done an
official research project....but, it seems to me that single mothers don't do
this kind of thing (as I was) to their boys so much as married women who have
to endure the snide comments of their husband's. ???
Sher
Hite in her series on families, documented that boys raised in single mom
households had greater respect for females and better communication skills that
translated into better peer female and mate relationships.
Bring
back Sher Hite! The Hite Report's were unforgettable.
The
reason for single mother's better relationship with their sons was posited to
result from the lack of a domineering and potentially degrading male influence
in the family which evinced copy cat juvenile male derogatory attitudes towards
females.
Your
entire post hides the sexism and misogyny that make this particular form of
violence not only possible, but prolific. By speaking of "society" as
if it's not the remnant of belief systems that have long degraded women is a
very truncated part of the story.
Do
women make up police forces or assume key positions within their hierarchies?
Do
women hold key positions inside the Catholic Church?
Do
women produce most Hollywood fims?
Do
women make football (and its segue into war) the main cultural event?
Do
women hold key corporate positions?
Do
women have a majority on the Supreme Court?
The
women who are vetted to fill positions of authority no doubt demonstrate a
fealty to the existing status quo.
Until
women have EQUAL rights, and EQUAL respect, and EQUAL agency, this talk of
"society" is gloss. It suggests that both genders are equally
responsible for the violence that too often is aimed at one gender.
FWIW:
There
are more women (relative to men) in US state police departments than any other
PD on the planet. Ditto the US military.
With
women like Kathryn Bigelow in Hollywood, do we want any more?
55%
of US women watch NFL football. I'd say US football constitutes a major
cultural event. Besides, women journalists were among the biggest supporters of
the Iraq War.
Yes,
women hold key corporate positions. And their number grows daily.
Given
that nearly 50% of students taking bar exams are women, I'd say within 20 years
we will see around equal number of men/women on the Supreme Court.
My
point being that women have a far, far better time in the US than any other
society on the planet. It may not be to your liking, but the fact is that US
women are rapidly evolving a 50/50 split with men in leadership roles.
So
with the emerging authority of women, why do we still have rampant sexism in
the US? Because, and you will hate this, women are still part of the problem.
Progressive women are a tiny minority.
You
sexist twit. By the same logic, we shouldn't want more men in Hollywood because
of Michael Bay. Plenty of men are terrible directors and it doesn't affect
men's chances of becoming directors. One bad woman director does not mean all
women are bad directors.
And
having it better does not mean having it good. US woman are not rapidly
evolving a 50/50 split -- in many fields progress towards equality has halted.
Conservative, sexist women exist, yes, but that point is lost within so much
nonsense.
10)
A society that has swallowed the "conservatives good, liberals bad kool
aid".
11) A society that believes representatives exist that won't take million dollar bribes and will ignore threats to their lives and legacy.
12) A society that believes 500 sold out politicians can govern better than 300 million people could govern themselves by electronic consensus.
13) A society that believes in eternal economic growth, population growth and increasing wealth and power concentration.
14) A population that believes that investing in Wall Street corporations is not really gambling.
15) A society that believes God and angels exist but evolution is a theory
16) A society that believes "Holy" books written by superstitious old theocrats are the word of God.
17) A society that believes the corporate media.
18) A society that believes corporate monopolies are "free markets".
19) A society that believes that the oligarchy's representative government is "democracy".
11) A society that believes representatives exist that won't take million dollar bribes and will ignore threats to their lives and legacy.
12) A society that believes 500 sold out politicians can govern better than 300 million people could govern themselves by electronic consensus.
13) A society that believes in eternal economic growth, population growth and increasing wealth and power concentration.
14) A population that believes that investing in Wall Street corporations is not really gambling.
15) A society that believes God and angels exist but evolution is a theory
16) A society that believes "Holy" books written by superstitious old theocrats are the word of God.
17) A society that believes the corporate media.
18) A society that believes corporate monopolies are "free markets".
19) A society that believes that the oligarchy's representative government is "democracy".
When I was growing up in Red Oak,
IA, during the middle 1960s, I heard rumors of a girl in my class "pulling
the train." At 13/14, I had no idea what that meant, but it involved the
high school football team in Red Oak. Men and boys whispered and laughed at the
story -- old and young.
Finally, I found out what
"pulling the train" meant -- having sex with all the boys who stood
in line, and of course, "she wanted it!" and even, "asked for
it!"
More than likely, the girl was lured
to the location, or she simply happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong
time. To me, at school, the girl looked very sad. As a young girl, I had no
idea what to do, nor did I understand all of the elements concerning what had
transpired in my town.
Then, in 1975, Susan Brownmiller's
book, Against Our Will: Men, Women and Rape, was published. I began to connect
more dots, and women were coming forward with their stories. I began to learn
that there were date-rape drugs. Often, the victim couldn't remember what happened,
or who was involved, or exactly what was done to her.
When the Steubenville gang rape took
place, on the same day Anonymous posted the 12-minute video, I wrote a lengthy
letter to the mayor of Steubenville concerning the rape and the culture of violence
and entitlement that is so pervasive in sports, even at the middle school
level.
So, we hear the words again,
"Never Again!"
But, there was another gang rape
case that was perpetrated in Cleveland, TX. The Latina girl was 11-years-old.
According to what I have read, 20 boys and young men, aged 14-27, raped the
girl.
When the NY Times published an
article about the gang rape, the male reporter stated that the rape victim was
NOT dressed appropriately, suggesting the 11-year-old girl was to blame.
From what I understand, a girl
videotaped the gang rape. There were others who also took photos, etc.
And, these are the cases we know
about -- are we naive enough to think there aren't other cases that haven't
made the papers?
Changing the behavior of boys is
essential, but our society is saturated with news, ongoing wars, TV shows,
films, video games, etc. that celebrate sex, violence, war, and blood and gore.
Zero Dark Thirty juxtaposed sexuality with torture, making it sexy -- for some
people.
I wish this mother, Kim Simon, a lot
of luck in bringing up her son, and I thank her for writing the article. She
is, indeed, as another writer already stated, "shoveling against the tide
of U.S. culture!"
If
we do not all act together to change the US culture we will
only see the expansion of this male violence vs females --
and swarming of males vs females as we've seen in India
and other nations.
Let's be clear, these are males whom other males also fear.
And what might be the ending of this "bird with one wing"?
More of the sicidal attack and violence towards Nature?
More disappearance of females until males live alone?
Male-supremacy is an idea conceived in insanity -- and
we must all act against it -- including vs oganized patriarchal
religions which have played such a huge role in encouraging
oppression of females.
WAKE UP, AMERICA -- !!
only see the expansion of this male violence vs females --
and swarming of males vs females as we've seen in India
and other nations.
Let's be clear, these are males whom other males also fear.
And what might be the ending of this "bird with one wing"?
More of the sicidal attack and violence towards Nature?
More disappearance of females until males live alone?
Male-supremacy is an idea conceived in insanity -- and
we must all act against it -- including vs oganized patriarchal
religions which have played such a huge role in encouraging
oppression of females.
WAKE UP, AMERICA -- !!
First
of all, just to be clear, I've been working on this issue, and related issues,
most of my life. I am an unapologetic feminist.
I
agree that we all have to work together -- but there are webs upon webs of
interlocking elements/pieces that keep the status quo humming along with
"business as usual."
Patriarchy
and capitalism, entwined, are at the top of the heap! -- with the help of the
media, the news, the ongoing wars, torture, TV, films, video games, sports,
pornography, etc., etc. The list is long, and you, yourself, could probably add
a few more elements to the list.
Male-supremacy
might have been an idea conceived in insanity, but it reigns supreme in the
"land of the free and the home of the brave."
Susan
Faludi in her 1991 meticulously documented book, Backlash, related that in
theatres where The Accused (1988 film/Jodie Foster) was shown men stood up and
cheered during the rape scene. The backlash was REAL!
So,
what do you suggest we do? How do we reach those men, and how do you propose we
go about working to change their behavior? I'm listening!
When
I lived in Lincoln, NE, I volunteered at the Rape, Spouse Crisis Intervention
Center and also at the Victim Witness Unit that was established within LPD. I
worked with children, women and some men, some male victims, and other men who
were brave enough to join us, most of whom were partners of women who had been
raped and/or abused at some time in their lives.
The
stories I heard broke my heart, and I certainly didn't have the answers. Being
a witness, though, is what I had to offer.
The
sad fact is that there are some who cannot be reached, no matter how the
entreaties are phrased. Some people are beyond help or betterment, and the
reasons for this can vary from conditions like sociopathy, to outright
resistance to change due to deeply-held beliefs. I don't know what to do about people
like this, unfortunately.
Very good article written by an
excellent Mom. She is shoveling against the tide of US culture. Even the best
parent in the world cannot always win that battle. Culture and genetics have a
powerful influence on how anyone turns out. We don't always like to admit that.
Empathy with kindness and compassion.
My kids get a steady diet. If you try to dominate others your soul will pay the
price. Keep it light, be good, be kind... and feed each other tasty food. Amen.
A touching and inspiring article by
Ms Simon. The author takes us into areas that are "uncomfortable" but
in so doing she makes us confront hard truths. Yes, our "rape
culture" is an outcome of the way that boys are raised in the contexts of
"power and control." Yes, all too many boys and men "lack an
adult sense of responsibility and ethics." Yes, we must tell boys
"the truth about sex." And yes, we would do better as a society if we
encouraged boys to be "kind" rather than "strong" or
"athletic." To wrest my son away from the warrior ethos and the cruel
machismo and male supremacism that poisons the souls of too many children, I
would encourage him
to read books rather than hunt with guns...
to play with his friends rather than play violent video games...
to befriend girls as well as boys...
to befriend children of all backgrounds...
to have a pet of his own to care for...
to hike in the woods rather than hang out at the mall..
to learn the names of the flowers in the meadow...
to learn the names of the birds in the sky...
to dislike pro-football...
to dislike UFC...
to have contempt for all things military...
to disavow "patriotism"...
to refrain from judging others on the basis of who they are...
to respect all women..
to respect himself...
to walk humbly among others
to think for himself..
to use his imagination..
to have the courage of his convictions...
If I could get my son to follow just half of these ideals I would consider my job done as a parent.
to read books rather than hunt with guns...
to play with his friends rather than play violent video games...
to befriend girls as well as boys...
to befriend children of all backgrounds...
to have a pet of his own to care for...
to hike in the woods rather than hang out at the mall..
to learn the names of the flowers in the meadow...
to learn the names of the birds in the sky...
to dislike pro-football...
to dislike UFC...
to have contempt for all things military...
to disavow "patriotism"...
to refrain from judging others on the basis of who they are...
to respect all women..
to respect himself...
to walk humbly among others
to think for himself..
to use his imagination..
to have the courage of his convictions...
If I could get my son to follow just half of these ideals I would consider my job done as a parent.
No
disagreement with most of your assertions,but you have to add "to revel in
his physicality and athleticism" if you want a healthy boy. Or girl,for
that matter. There is a certain exuberant physicality that needs a positive
outlet.
wiseacre1:
I completely agree that a "certain exuberant physicality..needs a positive
outlet." To me, this fluid, boundless energy is one of the great joys of
childhood. When I think of a boy playing with his friends I like to picture
soccer, bike-riding, running, swimming, and climbing. I like to see boys
enjoying tennis, basketball, volleyball, and perhaps skateboarding as well.
Sometimes you love to see kids just horsing around. Boys should
"revel" in athleticism, but I would want them to identify athleticism
with beauty, grace, and health, before they associate it with power, domination
and violence.
It's always about 2 or 3 percent of
the population who cause all of the problems in a society; and you're up
against the wall of genetics in those cases. No amount teaching will ever do
anything about them. Try to imagine how at any point you could have persuaded
someone who went on to become blood thirsty bond trader on Wall Street that it
was a better idea to actually share his own toys, rather than trying to swindle
everyone else out of theirs.
No,
this is not completely true. The problem is compounded when the good stand by
and let the troublemakers persist.
"oh-o what I want to know is:
are you kind?"
'Uncle John's Band', lyrics by Robert Hunter
'Uncle John's Band', lyrics by Robert Hunter
Beautiful conversation starter -
BROADEN IT, keep it moving... up to the top of the best seller list, movie
themes, ON A REGULAR BASIS - saturate US culture with the conversation.
Here's
a question to "broaden" the discussion: Is empathy innate?
Of
course it is -- but our culture is teaching that it
is unmanly.
Males are careful about everything they say and do,
most of all, quesitoning whether "it will make them
appear weak."
Weak by whose standards?
Is the rapist in America's basement wearing a football
jersey powerful or weak?
Men have to begin to decide that for themselves, if
they are willing to wake up.
is unmanly.
Males are careful about everything they say and do,
most of all, quesitoning whether "it will make them
appear weak."
Weak by whose standards?
Is the rapist in America's basement wearing a football
jersey powerful or weak?
Men have to begin to decide that for themselves, if
they are willing to wake up.
I'd
say, just from my own experience, that yes, empathy is innate. From the idea
that we are beings with same basic eltro/bio/chemical/ make up as the balance
of the planet and in constant unconscious interaction, to the effects of love,
not romantic but agape, on functions. I think about the uncountable efforts of
communities to joyfully exercise this in so many different dimensions.
At
the same time, we are easily traumatized at a subtle level and need to care for
each other. This society suffers under the yoke of one of the most violent and
violating constructs the planet has ever known, intensified over centuries and
in my opinion, the late stages of collapse.
Gotta
say... I love your posts.
Yes
oldgoat....electro/bio/chemical make-up and the effects of love....that's key!
Nature AND Nurture.
Yes,
we are "easily truamatized at a subtle level"---love how you said
that. And, this accounts for how kids raised in a good home can go so wrong. My
heart breaks for the beautiful kind people in this nation who will suffer along
with the rest....for I believe as you--this is a culture in collapse. Can it be
different? Yes. But what a gargantuan task that will be now.
Thanks
for your kind words oldgoat.
Good
question for those with experience with infants.. imo, the answer is yes, I
have seen it with toddlers. Not saying it's there all the time, but it is
there, in my limited experience.
OK, so tell me how do you change a
culture for violence?
I
thought we have been doing that for years through 911--hate the Muslims and
Arabs --or do you mean FROM violence?
That will only happen when we teach our children to be kind instead of spoiled and selfish.
And there needs to be a more level playing field by limiting the power and money all going to the selfish psychopaths that love to spend it on hate, fear, and war!!
That will only happen when we teach our children to be kind instead of spoiled and selfish.
And there needs to be a more level playing field by limiting the power and money all going to the selfish psychopaths that love to spend it on hate, fear, and war!!
Most
of that is true, but we also have to teach them
to see thru manipulative propaganda which appeals
to emotionalism and knee-jerk resposnes --
"Welfare Queens" being one of those triggers --
Noticed a program on one of the cable channels --
"Women With Knives" -- actually it is male violence we
are suffering from -- and females are the victims --
especially of males with guns.
Males have to begin to understand that their own
oppression rests in their own willingness to be violent
and, in turn, their abuse and sexual aggreession adn
violence vs females.
Those who profit from a violent society, profit from
keeping males at war vs females.
WAKE UP, AMERICA -- !!
to see thru manipulative propaganda which appeals
to emotionalism and knee-jerk resposnes --
"Welfare Queens" being one of those triggers --
Noticed a program on one of the cable channels --
"Women With Knives" -- actually it is male violence we
are suffering from -- and females are the victims --
especially of males with guns.
Males have to begin to understand that their own
oppression rests in their own willingness to be violent
and, in turn, their abuse and sexual aggreession adn
violence vs females.
Those who profit from a violent society, profit from
keeping males at war vs females.
WAKE UP, AMERICA -- !!
By
acknowedging it -- and by acknowledging male violence --
and by speaking out against it, constantly.
and by speaking out against it, constantly.
The internet/cable industry, of course, has made violent pornography vs females even more available and many
males have become addicted to it.
This pornography is actually organized propaganda vs women and should be recognized as such. We should also understand that it is as impossible for women to respond to as "Whites Only" bathrooms, waiting rooms, restaurants once were for
African Americans during the days of Segregation, Inc.
Or any other organized propaganda from the Hitler Era vs Jews
or homosexuals.
We have to be able to more readily recognize propagand
for what it is -- and it has long been heard in our Churches
and from our pulpits where intolernace for homosexuals has
been preached and intolerance and hatred for them encouraged, even within their own families.
The Vatican,in fact, continues to deny the full personhood of females. And, in days gone by, they preached hatred for Jews.
As the song from "South Pacific" wisely states ..
You've got to be taught
To hate and fear,
You've got to be taught
From year to year,
It's got to be drummed
In your dear little ear
You've got to be carefully taught.
You've got to be taught to be afraid
Of people whose eyes are oddly made,
And people whose skin is a diff'rent shade,
You've got to be carefully taught.
You've got to be taught before it's too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To hate all the people your relatives hate,
You've got to be carefully taught
WAKE UP, AMERICA -- !!!
If
you want the humorous take on this, listen to Tom Lehrer's National Brotherhood
Week.
Thank
you for your efforts in this thread. The lack of consciousness on this issue is
astounding.
You
mean a culture saturated with violence, sex, and self-entitlement. I would
start with the school system, but when I say that some people get mad.
Right now news is reporting that 6th graders are sexting. Good luck to any parent who is trying to raise loving gentle children in the USA. Might be easier to move to Denmark, maybe?
Right now news is reporting that 6th graders are sexting. Good luck to any parent who is trying to raise loving gentle children in the USA. Might be easier to move to Denmark, maybe?
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